Andrew M. Cavallo

Two mathematicians were staring at a blackboard on which was written: “Only an idiot would believe this sentence.” One asks the other, “Do you believe that sentence?” The other replies: “Of course not! Only an idiot would believe that sentence!”

Two mathematicians were on a hike in the Grand Canyon when they became hopelessly lost. One yelled out, “I’m lost!” A little while later came a reply: “You are lost!” The two mathematicians agreed it could not be an echo, because if it were an echo it would say “I’m lost,” not “You are lost.” They thus agreed that at least a third person must be about. Moreover, one mathematician added, “He is a mathematician.” “How do you know?” the other inquired. “Two reasons. First, it took him a long while to reply. Second, his answer was perfectly precise and completely useless!”

A formalist is one who can’t understand a theory unless it is meaningless.

A Leibnizian Proof

I will now prove by contradiction that Leibniz is the greatest of all possible philosophers.

My own little creation.

Unamuno is always giving reasons why reasons are bad—and his reasons are incredibly bad.

A mathematician once told me that his friend boasted of finding a copy of Immanuel Kant's Critique of Pure Reason at a used bookstore for two cents. To which the mathematician replied: “I’m afraid you overpaid!”

A monist is one who thinks anything less than everything is nothing.

Three musicians went on a cruise. One fell overboard and yelled, “Help! I can’t swim!” The others responded, “Fake it!”

Brahms was friends with a group of incompetent chamber musicians. While he couldn’t abide their playing, he greatly enjoyed their company. One day they surprised Brahms at a party with a performance of his latest piece. After the first movement, poor Brahms tried to quietly escape, only to be intercepted by one of the musicians, who eagerly asked, “Well, what did you think of the tempo?” After a short pause, Brahms said, “I think I liked yours best.”

Once, after a show, a man asked Arthur Rubinstein for three autographs. Rubinstein happily agreed, but asked, “Why three?” The man replied: “I know someone who will trade three Rubinsteins for one Horowitz.”

Once Wagner told a street musician, “You know, you’re not very good. You ought to quit!” The next day, on a stroll, Wagner saw the same street musician with a sign that read: “Student of Wagner!”

A specialist is one who does everything else worse.

Once, after hearing a Wagner piece, Mark Twain said: “I’m sure it’s not as bad as it sounds!”