Math, Philosophy & Music Humor

The Leibniz "proof by contradiction" is my own invention. Many of the other jokes, anecdotes, and oddities have been collected over the years from books, lectures, and friends, and I often no longer know their source. I hope to continue adding to this collection over time.

Contents

• Philosophical Humor
• Mathematical Humor
• Musical Humor
• Gornian Syntax

Philosophical Humor

I shall now offer a proof by contradiction that Leibniz is the best of all possible philosophers.

Proof.
Assume Leibniz is not the best of all possible philosophers.
But Leibniz is Leibniz.
Contradiction!

Q.E.D.

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A monist is one who thinks that anything less than everything is nothing.

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A nihilist is a Russian who denies the existence of anything but Tolstoy. The leader of the school is Tolstoy.

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A mathematician and fellow book lover once told me that he had acquired a copy of Kant's Critique of Pure Reason at a charming used bookstore for fifty cents.

When he told this to a friend—who also happened to be a mathematician—his friend replied,

"I'm afraid you overpaid."

Mathematical Humor

Ambrose Bierce defined logic in the following way:

The art of thinking and reasoning in strict accordance with the limitations and incapacities of the human misunderstanding. The basis of logic is the syllogism, consisting of a major and a minor premise and a conclusion—thus:

Major Premise. Sixty men can do a piece of work sixty times as fast as one man.

Minor Premise. One man can dig a post hole in sixty seconds; therefore—

Conclusion. Sixty men can dig a post hole in one second.

This may be called the syllogism arithmetical, in which, by combining logic and mathematics, we obtain a double certainty and are twice blessed.

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Two mathematicians were hiking in the Grand Canyon when they became hopelessly lost.

One cried out, "I am lost!"

Some moments later they heard, "You are lost!"

The two mathematicians discussed the matter and concluded that it could not have been an echo, because an echo would have replied, "I am lost!", not "You are lost!"

After a moment, one mathematician said, "Moreover, he is a mathematician."

"How do you know?"

"Two reasons. First, he took a long time to reply. Second, his response was perfectly precise and completely useless!"

Musical Humor

According to legend, Brahms befriended a group of chamber musicians who, though they were dreadful players, were among the warmest and most loyal friends he ever had.

Wishing to honor the great composer, they surprised him at a party by performing his latest chamber work. After the first movement—which was about all poor Brahms could endure—he quietly began making for the door.

One of the players intercepted him.

"Well," he asked, "what do you think of the tempo?"

Brahms paused for a moment.

"I think," he replied, "I like yours best."

* * *

A man broke his arm and went to the doctor. The doctor told him he would have to wear a cast for several weeks.

The man asked, "Will I be able to play the violin when the cast comes off?"

The doctor replied, "I don't see why not."

The man smiled and said, "Funny—I never could before!"

* * *

Three musicians went on a cruise. One fell overboard and cried, "Help! I can't swim!"

The others shouted back, "Fake it!"

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Once a man approached the great pianist Arthur Rubinstein and asked him for three autographs.

Rubinstein was happy to oblige, though he couldn't resist asking why anyone would want three.

"Because," replied the man, "I know someone who will trade three Rubinsteins for one Horowitz!"

Gornian Syntax

This section collects together sentences and statements that, as I like to say, obey Gornian syntax, so named in honor of the late computer scientist Saul Gorn.

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A University is a community in which people make a living by taking in each other's brain washing.